Beonard's Losers

2007, Week 1

Howdy, football fans. It is becoming obvious that Leonard Posttoasties, such that he is, will no longer be doing his legendary Saturday show. That leaves it to lesser men, such as myself, to try to fill the void that the world's foremost pigskin prognosticator has left off. Now I can't pretend to be Lenny, and I'm not gonna try. This means that once again, my own predictions will be mostly confined to the Big Ten conference. Perhaps, as the season progresses, I'll expand. But for now, it is what it is.

And what it is is opening weekend. Football fans around the country eagerly await the start of the season, and the crispness in the air today suggests that it may just be upon us. So let's take a look at this weekend's games.

Purdue at Toledo
Joe Tiller returns most of a squad that underwhelmed conference opponents last year, and he's got a lot of loyal fans to convince. So, the West Lafayette locomotive will pull in to the Toledo rocket pad this weekend with something to prove. The space cadets may have the home field advantage, but that can't change the fact that they're a bottom-of-the-MAC kind of team. The Rockets will fire everything they've got at the visiting iron horse, but in the end, they're just a bunch of leftover Roman candles. Beonard's Loser: Toledo

Appalachian State at Michigan
The mountain men from North Carolina head down from their hills to take on Lloyd Carr's Michiganders. The Wolverines forgot to show up in the Rose Bowl last year, and they can't afford to do that against the Mountaineers. The visitors are the two-time defending champions of the Southern Conference and you can never overlook those I-AA teams in the first week. But the hometown pack has their claws good and sharp, and by the end of the day, the mountain boys will be running for higher ground. Beonard's Loser: Appalachian State

Youngstown State at Ohio State
The Penguins from northeast Ohio will waddle their way to Columbus on Saturday to try and freeze Jim Tressel's nuts. They hope they might find coach Sweater Vest off-guard, as he used to be the head tuxedo-wearer. Even though the angry acorns lost some talented starters, but they're still The Ohio State University, and those trees are tough to topple. By the time the visitors get back to their nest, they'll look like they swam right into a whole bunch of seals. Beonard's Loser: Youngstown State

Florida International at Penn State
ESPN has Florida International at the head of their bottom ten list. I don't reckon there's much more to say beyond that. The biggest question about this game is how long will it take the nittany kitties to clean up the stadium on Sunday. Beonard's Loser: Florida International

Northeastern at Northwestern
Dogs and cats aren't known for gettin' on too well. The host felines have the all-time record for losses, and the Boston puppies want to add one more to that. The Illinois cats had a tough season last year and look to bounce back. Their tails are all poofed up and they're ready to defend their litter box. Rocky Hager's pups are wild, but they're going to end up being hairy scratching posts. Beonard's Loser: Northeastern

Alabama-Birmingham at Michigan State
Neil Callaway brings his fire-breathers into East Lansing to take on the green-clad speartoters. Mark Dantonio will spend his first Saturday at the head of the phalanx, and they'll need to have their shields up. The Blazers got three whole wins last year, in a season that included losses to powerhouses like Southern Methodist and UCF. The Spartans didn't fare much better and this could be a real let-down of a game. Still, you have to pick a loser, and in a case like this, you might as well just side with history. Beonard's Loser: UAB

Washington State at Wisconsin
Bill Doba brings his kitties into Camp Randall Stadium to take on the cheese-eaters in Wisconsin. The rodents look to claw their way to the top of the Big Televen this year, and they aren't about to let some lower-tier Pac-10 team get in their way. Bret Bielma went 12 and 1 in his first season at the helm, and wants to get to the top of the standings in 2007. The rodents are fierce, and the Cougars don't have enough to win this fight away from their den. Beonard's loser: Washington State

Missouri at Illinois
Ron Zook's tribe has been the victim more than the perpetrator of scalpings of late. On Saturday afternoon, they'll host the wild felines from Mighty Mo. This is the the year for the Illinois injuns according to the Chambana faithful. The Tigers beg to differ, and they want to maul their way to the top of the Big 12 North. The redskins will have their bows and arrows ready, but they could use a bit more target practice. Beonard's Loser: Illinois

Iowa at Northern Illinois
The host team had a better record last year, but the numbers don't always tell the whole story. If this game was held in the corn state, the outcome wouldn't even be a question. But Gilbert Sebenste is a smart man, and my wager is that he's already picked Joe Novak's pack of Huskies. I'm not so sure, but I do know this should be a fine game to watch. At the end of the game, the dogs and the birds will both be pretty torn up, and the winner will be hard to distinguish from the loser. Beonar'ds Loser: Iowa

Indiana State at Indiana
Losing the head coach is never an easy thing for a team to face, and the Bloomington canal diggers will face their first post-loss game. Fortunately, their first test should be an easy one. Indiana State is definitely what we in the business call a "basketball school" and their football team will prove my point when Saturday rolls around. Beonard's Loser: Indiana State

Bowling Green at Minnesota
The Falcons fly in to the Metrodome ready to sink their talons into some greasy, grimy gopher guts. Tim Brewster is ready to lead his tunnelers to victory. The undergrounders have wanted to hide all season, after their horrid bowl loss last season. They'll come up to the surface long enough to send the Bowling Green birds back to Kentucky with broken wings. Beonard's Loser: Bowling Green

That's all I've got for you this week. Check back next Tuesday do see another bunch of losers.

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